Tag Archive | Luke Turalitsch

Hollow Ween

anti-halloween

 

It’s that time of year again, the season of trick-or-treating, jack-o-lanterns, and themed parties—but let’s face it, Halloween has become overrated. Let’s take a look at the striking evidence.

 

 

1. Spooky decorations

Lawns are littered with ghosts, goblins, and garbage. Do yourself a favor and invest some of that money—just not in stocks, unless you are into magic and like to see things disappear.

 

2. Haunted houses

No, I do not want to pay money to go through your dark, cluttered, eerie house while “actors” scream at the tops of their lungs at me. I can get that for free at home any day of the week.

 

3. Clowns

Clowns are terrifying. For evidence consult Stephen King’s It.

 

4. The mass murder of innocent pumpkins

Pumpkins are harvested for the sole purpose of impaling them. Think Sweeney Todd, but substitute pumpkin pies for the meat pies.

 

5. Masked strangers knock on your door at night

Stranger danger! But if you have a heart to give out candy to complete strangers at your front door, please remember that corn is a vegetable, not a candy.

 

6. Clowns

Did I mention that clowns are terrifying? For more evidence, see stories in the news from Bakersfield and Wasco about the recent outbreak of clown sightings.

 

7. Cobwebs

Great idea, encourage spiders to come to your home by offering them free housing.

 

8. Spiced drinks

Coffee, juice, and all other beverages are just as delicious without the added pumpkin spice.

 

9. Costumes

The appropriate age limit to wear a costume should be sixteen. The appropriate age limit for an adult to wear a costume should be never. Be prepared to see your best friends in Disney, Marvel, or Zombie costumes that are not the right size.

 

10. Halloween parties

A freakish accumulation of items 1-9, enough to make one walk like a zombie and crave “Brains.”

 

However you choose to spend Halloween, just remember, November and other overrated holidays are just around the corner.

~Luke Turalitsch

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