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15 Minutes of E-Fame

FameEveryone’s heard the Andy Warhol “15 minutes of fame” quote, but what most people don’t know is that it was plagiarized. Not only does a photographer claim to have uttered a similar phrase to Warhol two years earlier during a photography shoot, prompting Warhol to run off with it… but we can go all the way back to the year 1600 when William Kemp, a clown actor, published the phrase “9 days wonder,” which means a novelty that loses its appeal after a few days. It basically expresses the same exact underlying premise that Warhol is credited with.

It doesn’t matter what decade of what century you look at, history has proven that human beings are programmed to have some sort of strange desire and fascination with fame and attention. Fortunately for mankind, the average fame-seeking freak had limited resources for vomiting their lame attempts to garner attention all over our laps. Up until the past decade or so, that is. Enter stage left, the internet and social media. Every dolt with a computer, tablet, or cell phone suddenly thought they found their wormhole to fame. What was once the information superhighway has now become the highway to hell, and it’s paved with idiotic intentions. The world wide web has been reduced to a LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! stage. You can’t browse for more than 20 seconds without enduring someone’s sad attempt to achieve internet fame… two words that go together like douchebag and prestige.

With that in mind, I offer the following public service announcement:

Don’t follow me on Twitter, don’t star my tweets, don’t friend me or subscribe to me on Facebook, don’t like my posts, don’t follow me on Instagram or heart my selfies, don’t read my Tumblr blog, don’t see what garbage I like on Pinterest, don’t make me the mayor of anything, don’t Snapchat me, and don’t like, star, retweet, heart, or share if you agree. In fact, if you’re one of the millions of shallow-ass attention and validation-seeking morons who clog up our screens with your weak attempts at douchebag prestige… err… I mean internet fame, then do us all a favor and go out and get a huge firecracker. After lighting it, make sure you grasp it firmly between both hands until it explodes and shreds your fingers and/or hands into such inoperative stumps that they’ll never be capable of typing on a keyboard, maneuvering a mouse, or operating a cell phone or tablet ever again. Once you’ve accomplished that you can achieve the internet fame you’ve so desperately desired by opening a GoFundMe page and asking for handouts for your pain and suffering, much like the clowns who have received donations and then bragged about their new (funded) tattoos, or posted pictures of themselves doing their (funded) bong hits.

“The best things in life are free.” ~Coco Chanel

“… from the masses, who inevitably fuck everything up.” ~MrFornicator

~Jamie Capria

Tips To Avoid Holiday Overeating

Holiday OvereatingWith the holidays right around the corner, we’re getting ready to eat massive quantities of food. Some people prepare differently than others. I personally get ready to eat a big turkey by warming up on some chickens first. But the most important thing this holiday season is balancing between eating healthy and eating like a good ol’ American! Ah yes, Aunt Lina’s mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, broccoli and gravy, cranberry sauce, and glazed ham… and that’s just one dish! Don’t forget to add a candy cane for Christmas. So how do we avoid overeating this time of year?

We could celebrate the holidays strictly with wheat germ. We could also not buy each other presents and just talk. It’s the holidays, live a little! No one is saying to feast in excess but a few tips can help you cut back on meals while still partaking in some good chow.

  1. Seconds are Good. Thirds are Trouble

Say there’s a nice dish of sweet potatoes covered in marshmallows and brown sugar. Of course you’re going to want seconds. But dropping the shoulder like a running back to knock cousin Artie out of the way for thirds is going to raise a few eyebrows. Sure cousin Artie stole your girlfriend in 10th grade and never admitted to denting your first car. He probably deserves a good stiff arm to his ugly mug. But save it for the park, not the dinner table. In this case, if you decide to go all Expendables on Artie just to get that third helping, Artie is in the right and you’re not. Besides, if you go for thirds, there may not be much leftover to bring to work the following Monday.

  1. Know Your Salads

Salads are a healthy choice this holiday season. However, not all salads are created equal. Not even in Thomas Jefferson’s house. Just because something is labeled a “salad”, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good for you. While I admit this is more of a summer food, please beware of potato salad. I’m certain at some point this holiday season, Uncle Frankie will forget to bring the asparagus side dish when leaving for his in-laws, thus, forcing his wife to demand he stop to buy something on the way. Most likely this will be potato salad. In my opinion, there shouldn’t be such a thing as potato salad. You can’t make a salad out of the same stuff you make French Fries from. Salad contains leafy greens, tomatoes, carrots, croutons, and dressing. If it’s a veggie, it can go in a salad. Seafood, pasta, poultry, red meat, and even fruits have turned salads into a regrettable Thursday at Applebee’s.

  1. Watch the Football/Basketball Games

Many families will divide holiday meals into courses. You start off with some cheese, crackers, chips, and pepperoni when arriving at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. Next, of course, is the appetizer portion. If you’re Italian like me, that’s when the family sneaks in a small plate of macaroni and sauce. That macaroni appetizer dish is a very Columbus-like way to mount a flag and remind everyone “We’re Italian!” Anyway, after appetizers is dinner followed by dessert and more alcohol. To break up the monotony of all this food, sit down and watch the games in between courses. I mean really sit down and watch the game. Get out a scorecard and keep track of stats if you have to. This will give the stomach a break and a chance to digest. Plus, watching the game is a good way not to talk to Cousin Jimmy who forgot you already returned his lawnmower last month.

  1. Save Some for Monday!

I touched on this earlier, but I wanted to elaborate. A good technique to avoiding eating so much is realizing that this much food can feed a person for a month. Sure it’s impressive to eat more than Uncle Sal (or Aunt Bonnie for that matter), but it’s also impressive to have Thanksgiving for lunch for a whole week! And think of the money saved by brown-bagging it! You can finally take that trip to Dollywood instead of blowing your cash on Chipotle everyday. Although Chipotle is a respectable passion to many of us, it will still be there after returning from Dollywood. Or even skip Dollywood and save that money to pay your rent!

  1. There is Only So much Room at the Table

The holidays are a time when there will be a fire hazard amount of people in your home. It’s the reason families keep an extra table in the basement. Sure you never use the thing and want to toss it, but you realize you may need it for when your sister, bother in law, and their family band of kids come by for the holidays. So keep in mind how much room there will actually be on that table(s) to put food on. The more people seated, the less room there will be for meals and dishes. And speaking of dishes, small plates can be used. This means less room to pile on the creamed spinach. With an overcrowded dinner table and small-sized china, there will be less to eat. You will avoid over eating and falling asleep mid-chew.

The holidays are great time to make great memories. Nobody forgets that time Cousin Paul got stuck in the neighbor’s tree trying to get the Nerf football out. Heck, the fire chief brings it up every time you see him at the bank! So enjoy them thoroughly. Eat well and eat smart. If you have any more tips on how to avoid over eating, share them below. And just remember, the Lions have to show up on Thanksgiving but Aunt Gertie’s soufflé doesn’t if you “accidentally” lose her invitation.

~Mike Sgroi

 

Hollow Ween

anti-halloween

 

It’s that time of year again, the season of trick-or-treating, jack-o-lanterns, and themed parties—but let’s face it, Halloween has become overrated. Let’s take a look at the striking evidence.

 

 

1. Spooky decorations

Lawns are littered with ghosts, goblins, and garbage. Do yourself a favor and invest some of that money—just not in stocks, unless you are into magic and like to see things disappear.

 

2. Haunted houses

No, I do not want to pay money to go through your dark, cluttered, eerie house while “actors” scream at the tops of their lungs at me. I can get that for free at home any day of the week.

 

3. Clowns

Clowns are terrifying. For evidence consult Stephen King’s It.

 

4. The mass murder of innocent pumpkins

Pumpkins are harvested for the sole purpose of impaling them. Think Sweeney Todd, but substitute pumpkin pies for the meat pies.

 

5. Masked strangers knock on your door at night

Stranger danger! But if you have a heart to give out candy to complete strangers at your front door, please remember that corn is a vegetable, not a candy.

 

6. Clowns

Did I mention that clowns are terrifying? For more evidence, see stories in the news from Bakersfield and Wasco about the recent outbreak of clown sightings.

 

7. Cobwebs

Great idea, encourage spiders to come to your home by offering them free housing.

 

8. Spiced drinks

Coffee, juice, and all other beverages are just as delicious without the added pumpkin spice.

 

9. Costumes

The appropriate age limit to wear a costume should be sixteen. The appropriate age limit for an adult to wear a costume should be never. Be prepared to see your best friends in Disney, Marvel, or Zombie costumes that are not the right size.

 

10. Halloween parties

A freakish accumulation of items 1-9, enough to make one walk like a zombie and crave “Brains.”

 

However you choose to spend Halloween, just remember, November and other overrated holidays are just around the corner.

~Luke Turalitsch